girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
