If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
