i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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