you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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