Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
Randomize
