He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
You're a waste of cheezeits
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Randomize
