Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
whose ass print is on the piano?
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Randomize
