I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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