Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
I AM VODKA MAN
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
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