glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Randomize
