Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
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