I am doing a scientific study and i need a brief description of the underpants you are wearing
maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
