you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
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