whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Randomize
