Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
