the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
