I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
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