You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Randomize
