Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
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