i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
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