Dude my mom stole all your condoms
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
