I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
