you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
His nipple licking is glorious
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