Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Randomize
