I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
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