your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Randomize
