omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
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