were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
Randomize
