ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I think my nap took me to another dimension
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Randomize
