it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
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