you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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