When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
Randomize
