Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
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