I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
