what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Randomize
