remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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