Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Randomize
