I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
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