She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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