Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
