The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Randomize
