My cat gives me a boner
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
