his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Randomize
