she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Randomize
