believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
Randomize
