hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
Even the bartender felt bad for me
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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