No awkward lesbian experiences without me
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
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