Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Randomize
