Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Randomize
