I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
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