i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
